(actual time)

Dear Son,

Mommy is having tough times now.

Our finances is not as stable as before. But don’t worry my little one… Mommy can still provide for you. It’s just that we’ll have to cut on some of our expenses so please bear with me…

I want to give you everything and all the best… So I’m really having a hard time dealing with all of these right now. I’m good at managing our budget my angel but I feel like giving up now.

Please forgive me if time will come that I have to go back to office and leave you again at home with tita. This is also for you because I want to give all you need. Because I love you so much…

It hurts me a lot not to be able to give what you want when you ask for it just because we don’t have the money…

Keep Mommy strong, son…Hug me and kiss me. Bear with my mood swings and make me smile everytime I frown. I need you to do this to keep me going…

Much love,

Mommy (shiveringbluestar)

(actual time)

Dear my heart,

Why did you falter?

I thought we’ve already agreed to never fall again. I thought you’ll never do it again. But here you are, loving someone so dearly again…

It was supposed to be okay. But why choose someone who belongs to another already? And I thought you don’t love him… You’ve rejected him so many times already. And now, you’re falling… Why?

What have you seen in him for you to falter? He was just an ordinary friend to you before. A mentor. A colleague. He doesn’t even look attractive to you. So what are your reasons?

And why on earth did you let me tell him you love him using another number?! Are you nuts?! You’re such a chicken… Now how am I going to face him?

But then again, at least I won’t be wondering anymore…

*sighs* I guess let’s just let things be for now…

Be careful please…

Yours,

shiveringbluestar

(actual time)

Dear Self,

It’s all over.

Five years ago, this date marked the start of what you thought would last ‘forever’. Your sight was tinted with rose-colored glasses back then. But now, everything has come to an end. It seems that this forever is not the forever meant for you.

Your mind has been so preoccupied lately. It’s a huge struggle to write all about those things. Go back and re-live the pain. It’s like digging up closed wounds. But you survived it. I didn’t know that you could still be this strong, after everything…

And so, let’s take a break for now… Have some quiet time. Cry if you have to… Shout if you must…

But this should be the last. It’s all over after all.

Here’s for you…

Take care always,

shiveringbluestar

(actual time)

Dear Despoina and Periwinkle,

Sorry for not keeping in touch the past few days. I was sick and bed-ridden. I had pneumonia but I’m better now. Thanks to the very effective medicine that the doctor prescribed. Though it was too late for me to know the effects of taking it and drinking tea, so now I’m sleepless. Hehehe…

Anyway, I miss you both. I know I worried you too much. Sorry… I guess I just got a bit used to the people who are always with me and doesn’t seem to care of  me. Let me tell you how I went through while I was sick. It was so frustrating…  And my apologies in advance for the drama. I just can’t help it.

During the past few days while I was sick, Mom didn’t even bother to be more considerate of my condition. Whenever she arrives, all I hear is her complaint about money matters. No, she doesn’t complain about me not giving her money. What she whines about is her delayed salary, our lack of stuff in the house, the unfinished painting job in the second floor, etc. Still, if you’ll read between the lines and if you are me who knows her very well it only means one thing: that I don’t seem to help in the expenses. Her whinings seem to have added to my headaches.

My point here is this… She should not be doing those things coz we are not freeloaders in the house. I also share in the house expenses and I’m the one who buys stuff in the house. Me and my son are sick and she is aware of that. I’ve been buying medicine for both of us lately and medicines these days are not cheap. We also had a check-up. And it just so happened that my salary has been delayed a bit. Can’t she be a bit considerate? Like talk in a more appropriate manner? I’m not illiterate, I can clearly understand things. But whenever she talks to me, she snaps or her tone is like she’s always picking a fight. So mostly, to avoid arguments, I just don’t talk to her.

Another point, I had cough and colds that are about to vanish when she started to have the second floor painted. I wasn’t informed that the paint has a terrible harmful smell. That time, my son just recovered from his colds too. When the painting took place, our illness instead of disappearing even worsened.

At that time, she worried too much on my son. I understand coz that’s how grandparents usually behave. But one night when she went home from work, she gave my son a pasalubong of burger and my girl cousin an orange. Sorry but I can’t help but feel annoyed. I really frowned. I’m the one who’s sick and needs Vitamin C. I’m the daughter and I don’t even get enough care and attention.

Why is she like this? Because she and my relatives from her side always think that I’m fortunate. I’m lucky coz I graduated in a good university. I’m lucky coz I have a nice job and earning well. I’m lucky coz I can eat wherever I want and anything I want. I can buy the things I like and I got lots of money (REALLY?!).  I’m lucky coz I don’t seem to have problems. Those are their crazy basis of being lucky.

Now since you girls both know me well will agree with me when I say that I am not really lucky. Yes I’m grateful for graduating in a good university. That and my job/s somehow make me feel lucky. But the material things as basis, it’s just insane! Those stuff are not really what I want. Yes I like my notebook and gadgets. But the real things I TRULY want are things I can’t buy nor beg for. And my concerns are worse than what they have. I just don’t whine to them coz I was traumatized with what they did to me before.

I can only feel lucky if my kin would realize my worth and show even the slightest affection. If they would care for me not because I have a few bucks but because they really do care.

Despoina and Periwinkle, I wish we’re sisters coz at least you both make me feel like I have a family. Because the one I have has turned me far worse than an orphan since I was a little kid. I miss you both so much…

Love you both,

shiveringbluestar

(actual time)

Dear G.T.,

Thanks a lot for the text messages. They made me cheerful especially since I’m not really feeling well. Somehow they are able to brighten up my day.

It feels good to know that at least there’s a person out there who still cares about my condition. Someone who misses me and would like to see me again… despite being rejected. Well I guess at least we could be friends even though it’s cliche and may sound like a lame excuse. But believe me, my offer of  friendship is sincere.

Again, thank you so much for the thoughtfulness. You’re timing was great I must say coz you did flatter me.

Hope to see you soon.

Take care,

shiveringbluestar