Bothered

Dear Mocha,

I’m bothered again. Bothered by so many things that I never thought would someday hit me.  I am so afraid my dear friend… Afraid of what the future brings.

Few days are left before January ends and here I am… anxious. What if he never comes back? What will happen? Will I be able to get all through these?

Or, if he comes back… can I really bear to spend the rest of my life with him? Will I be able to endure his flirtatious nature?

I am so afraid… I don’t know what kind of future awaits me now. Everything became so uncertain. I feel as though just with one wrong move, I’m through.

I wish you’re here with me. I want to cry all these things out.. And yet, I realized, I don’t want to worry or hurt anyone. Maybe you could call me selfish for bearing all these alone. But somehow you know that I’m really like this.

I miss you…

Take care always,

shiveringbluestar

 

On a DIET

22 June 2007

2:30 p.m. (actual time)

Dear Mocha,

I’m on a diet right now. Yes, you read that right. DIET. D-I-E-T.

You might think that I don’t really need it but I want to. I feel so fat already. I miss my body way back when I was in high school. Those curves and small waistline. I can’t wait to have them back.

Don’t worry dear.  I’m still eating. It’s just that I eat less rice and I don’t eat at night. Well, I eat at night, but crackers and biscuits only. i don’t drink much Cola too. They just make my tummy big. And of course, no beer for me too. (You probably know my other reasons for this)

I’m turning 22 my friend and I want to change a lot of things in my life. Losing my fats is just one of them. I got so many plans and I am acting on them one at a time. Slowly but surely.

Yeah, I realized that I’m not getting any younger so I have to fix my life. It’s now or never, girl. I want to be BETTER person. And not someone who is BITTER.

Well, just till here, friend. I still got lots of things to do here in the office. I hope you are doing fine yourself.  Always take good care, ok?

Yours,

shiveringbluestar

 

No Regrets, Just Stories

20 May 2007

11:40 p.m.

Dear Mocha,

Depression hit me again last night that I was able to do some things that I might not have done without the aid of San Mig Light and Pepsi Max to boost my confidence.

No, it’s not what you’re thinking. Don’t get me wrong.

The heat of the evening gave me difficulty to sleep. So, I went outside of the boarding house and bought some drinks. Until I started to think of some things.

I miss my Mom… then I evaluated my decisions and some events of the past. And I finally had the courage to write my Last Letter for the Jerk.

I don’t think about ‘him’ and me anymore. You know how much I love my Sweetie… What I had with ‘him’ has long been over. And, I don’t regret anything. The letter is just somehow a formal goodbye.

Although I often feel lonely being alone in the boarding house, I will live up to my decisions and proveto them that I can stand on my own. No matter how painful and unbearable it could be.

Take Care my friend…

Miss you dear,

shiveringbluestar

 

Early Birthday Jitters

19 May 2007

(actual time: 11:50 a.m.) 

Dear Mocha,

We just surprised one of our superiors today since she will be celebrating her birthday on Monday. She was so touched having received a bouquet of flowers, birthday card and gift from our group.  The look on her face is priceless. And it made me wonder if I’ll ever get to wear that look next month.

No dear, I don’t envy her. Remember that I used to enjoy birthday parties and stuff right? Well, this year might be different.

I’m on my own now, living away from my Mom and Dad. You know that I’m always sad whenever its my birthday. This year will be much lonelier. I’ll be celebrating my birthday alone.

My birthday will be on a Thursday. I can’t go home at that day. I got work. I’ll probably cry the entire night of that day, missing the good old times of celebrating with a cake. No, it’s not just the cake. It’s having someone to spend the occasion with. Its having your family with you in the moment.

Imagine, it will just be like any ordinary day… I would eat dinner in the nearby canteen to my boarding house. After that, I’ll lie on my bed and cuddle with my stuffed toys, thinking what my Mom is doing at that time. What would she cook for me if we’re together…

So much for all these… I’m becoming too dramatic in the wrong place and at the wrong time. I’m in the office right now and my eyes are already watery.

I think I have to end this now before an ocean spills from my eyes.