Confessions

16 January 2009

10:39 a.m.

 

Dear Dad,

I wish I have the guts to tell you all of these… But I don’t. That’s why I’m writing here hoping and wishing that somehow, one day, you’ll discover this.

Dad, my life is a wreck. I used to blame you and Mom. But now I don’t. I realized, it’s my fault too. Your daughter has been so stupid. And now, she is stuck. Stuck in this whole set-up without any possibility of escape.

Dad, I feel like my days are numbered. I have a disease that does not have any treatment. No cure. I didn’t know how I got it. I don’t know what to do. This illness has also driven away the man I love. He fears that I might transmit it to him.

Dad, I feel so sorry for myself. I want to feel your embrace and comfort. I want to hear your words of assurance. That everything will be alright even though they won’t be. I need you Dad…

Dad, I can’t have a family. The man I love can’t be mine. He belongs to someone else. That’s why I’ve been avoiding you. I feel so ashamed.

Why does these things have to happen to me Dad? Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I have a happy family? A complete one? Why does my son have to experience some of the things I’ve been through?

Sometimes, I so wanted my illness to swallow me and end my life already. I don’t want to hope anymore. But whenever I look at my son, I feel guilty. He needs me. And I don’t know if I could stay strong for him.

I love you Dad… Always have and always will…  No matter how angry I was to you before.

I need you Dad. I need you to understand me. I need you to help me get through all these…

 

Love,

shiveringbluestar

 

I love you

04 April 2008

My Dearest Angel,

I’ve been nursing you in my womb for five months now and I must admit that it’s not that easy. There are times when I feel so all alone. When I feel like giving up. But when I look at my clothes, how they suddenly start shrinking. And feel you within me, I know that I’ll get through all these.

It’s a great joy having to see you move and know your gender just lately. I can’t believe that there’s a life inside me. Moving and sharing with my life. Someone dependent on me. And I can already feel the huge responsibility on  my shoulders.

Life is never fair my Dearest… And that’s what I fear for you. I am afraid of the pains and sufferings that life could give you. I am afraid that as soon as you see the first spark of light and breathe your first, you are already part of this planet’s cruelty. It will be inevitable already for you not to get hurt.

But I am here my Dearest Angel… And as long as I am, I will be your shield. I will be your best friend. And, I will be your Mommy…

No matter what happens, it will always be you and me.

I love you…

Much love,

shiveringbluestar

 

Apologies

04 May 2007, Friday

1:41 p.m. (actual time)

Dear Dad,

I know that you are still angry with me for the things I’ve done and I can’t blame you for feeling that way. So many things have changed between us… for worse and not for better.

Yes Dad, I have been stubborn. But I was never a rebel. I had to leave your house for me to learn things that I really have to learn. I’m living alone now. Trying my best to be independent.

You know so little about me Dad and I always thought that I’m closer to you than I am to Mom. Sa iyo ako madalas magsumbong at magpakampi noon kapag pinapalo ako ni Mommy. Ikaw ang laging kasa-kasama ko sa mga parents meeting sa school. Though, everything’s different now. A huge wall has been built between us. Both our fault.

Dad, sorry for my stubbornness and for misbehaving while you were gone. I wish to tell this to you personally but I can’t. The pain and anger still linger in my heart. If ever I’ll face you and talk to you again, I want all these negative things gone. So I guess its not yet the right time.

I wish to be there today for your birthday but I might ruin your day… I just decided to be silent. Not letting you know anymore if I still exist. I have to do this. Its for both of us to learn our lessons. And we’ll learn them this hard way.

Happy Birthday Dad… I still love you despite everything.

Love,

shiveringbluestar

 

One lonely night