16 January 2009
10:39 a.m.
Dear Dad,
I wish I have the guts to tell you all of these… But I don’t. That’s why I’m writing here hoping and wishing that somehow, one day, you’ll discover this.
Dad, my life is a wreck. I used to blame you and Mom. But now I don’t. I realized, it’s my fault too. Your daughter has been so stupid. And now, she is stuck. Stuck in this whole set-up without any possibility of escape.
Dad, I feel like my days are numbered. I have a disease that does not have any treatment. No cure. I didn’t know how I got it. I don’t know what to do. This illness has also driven away the man I love. He fears that I might transmit it to him.
Dad, I feel so sorry for myself. I want to feel your embrace and comfort. I want to hear your words of assurance. That everything will be alright even though they won’t be. I need you Dad…
Dad, I can’t have a family. The man I love can’t be mine. He belongs to someone else. That’s why I’ve been avoiding you. I feel so ashamed.
Why does these things have to happen to me Dad? Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I have a happy family? A complete one? Why does my son have to experience some of the things I’ve been through?
Sometimes, I so wanted my illness to swallow me and end my life already. I don’t want to hope anymore. But whenever I look at my son, I feel guilty. He needs me. And I don’t know if I could stay strong for him.
I love you Dad… Always have and always will… No matter how angry I was to you before.
I need you Dad. I need you to understand me. I need you to help me get through all these…
Love,
shiveringbluestar
