Come What May

29 May 2009

Dear Sweetie,

It’s been long since I last wrote for you here. I’ve been too hurt about the things that happened between us. I’ve always seen you as the perfect one for me. I don’t know if you’re aware of it. But in just one second, everything seemed to crumble. And I find myself lost with my dreams shattered.

In fact, I felt awkward now in calling you “Sweetie”. You’ve been using that endearment to other girls now. When before, when I was teasing you along with another officemate, you got annoyed on me for having calling another one that endearment. It was meant to be exclusive… WAS.

I was so happy yesterday when you bothered to chat with me when you were online. Just to keep tabs and see how I was doing. At least you still cared for me… Even though I know that you still felt bad about me.

I still very much wanted to explain and defend myself to you. I just don’t know if you’ll listen and believe me. So, I’ll just be silent for now. And try to recover.

The pain you brought me too is starting to lessen as time passed by. Acceptance. I know I couldn’t do anything about it. I’ve grown tired of crying (but yes I still cry) and decided its time to move on.

I’ll always care about you… You’ll always have a special part of me… Of my heart. I’ll always love you. I’ve accepted that it will be that way since you are one man who played a very huge role in my life.

I’m not certain what will happen to us. If you’ll find another or if I’ll find another. What I just pray right now is that we start to forgive ourselves and each other. We start to be friends again like the way we were before there was even “US”.

I recall that you once told me of the “Come what may” relationship. Something wherein you don’t expect what will happen anymore. That you let things be. Let things move the way they should. And if you’re meant for each other, then you are. I thought it was a crazy idea. But now, I shall be embracing it.

I’m not letting you go but I’m not keeping you for myself too. It’s maybe hard to understand but let me put it this way… You may do whatever you want and not bother that I’ll go mad about it. I promise not to interfere in your affairs. BUT. But, I’ll always be here… hoping and waiting for the time you’ll come back.

Yet if that time doesn’t come, I’ll still accept it that you are no longer for me.

Much love,
shiveringbluestar

 

Monologue

24 April 2009

Dear Self,

It’s been a long time already and I felt good that finally you are now doing something to move forward and go on with life. Yes. life is cruel but you don’t have to be cruel to yourself too.

It’s hard to forgive and forget but soon you’ll learn. You’re doing great now. You can already face the pains without making yourself numb. Soon, all those wounds will heal and you’ll be a better and stronger person.

Yes, look at everything as a challenge now. That you’ll surpass them all. You may be weak but you’ll find strength in your weaknesses.

Gloomy days will soon be over. Everything will be fine. Have faith.

 

Confessions

16 January 2009

10:39 a.m.

 

Dear Dad,

I wish I have the guts to tell you all of these… But I don’t. That’s why I’m writing here hoping and wishing that somehow, one day, you’ll discover this.

Dad, my life is a wreck. I used to blame you and Mom. But now I don’t. I realized, it’s my fault too. Your daughter has been so stupid. And now, she is stuck. Stuck in this whole set-up without any possibility of escape.

Dad, I feel like my days are numbered. I have a disease that does not have any treatment. No cure. I didn’t know how I got it. I don’t know what to do. This illness has also driven away the man I love. He fears that I might transmit it to him.

Dad, I feel so sorry for myself. I want to feel your embrace and comfort. I want to hear your words of assurance. That everything will be alright even though they won’t be. I need you Dad…

Dad, I can’t have a family. The man I love can’t be mine. He belongs to someone else. That’s why I’ve been avoiding you. I feel so ashamed.

Why does these things have to happen to me Dad? Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I have a happy family? A complete one? Why does my son have to experience some of the things I’ve been through?

Sometimes, I so wanted my illness to swallow me and end my life already. I don’t want to hope anymore. But whenever I look at my son, I feel guilty. He needs me. And I don’t know if I could stay strong for him.

I love you Dad… Always have and always will…  No matter how angry I was to you before.

I need you Dad. I need you to understand me. I need you to help me get through all these…

 

Love,

shiveringbluestar

 

What If…

15 November 2008

2:39 p.m.

 

Dear Precious,

I am in the middle of a blogging seminar right now. And guess what. My mind is drifting away. Flying towards memories of you. Of us.

This shouldn’t be happening anymore. I mean, there was never US, right? But then what if… What if I poured out everything I have for you before…?

*sighs*

I guess this is just another after effect of the video I was able to watch yesterday…

I wonder how you would react…

 

Take care dearest,

shiveringbluestar

 

I love you

04 April 2008

My Dearest Angel,

I’ve been nursing you in my womb for five months now and I must admit that it’s not that easy. There are times when I feel so all alone. When I feel like giving up. But when I look at my clothes, how they suddenly start shrinking. And feel you within me, I know that I’ll get through all these.

It’s a great joy having to see you move and know your gender just lately. I can’t believe that there’s a life inside me. Moving and sharing with my life. Someone dependent on me. And I can already feel the huge responsibility on  my shoulders.

Life is never fair my Dearest… And that’s what I fear for you. I am afraid of the pains and sufferings that life could give you. I am afraid that as soon as you see the first spark of light and breathe your first, you are already part of this planet’s cruelty. It will be inevitable already for you not to get hurt.

But I am here my Dearest Angel… And as long as I am, I will be your shield. I will be your best friend. And, I will be your Mommy…

No matter what happens, it will always be you and me.

I love you…

Much love,

shiveringbluestar